Written as a gift for girlinstilettos . Too long for ff_yuri_drabble and rated M for bad jokes, immature sexual innuendo, and overuse of the word bored.
Fandom: Final Fantasy VIII
Edit: LJ has eaten the last half of this fic. If you notice any weird italics or if something seems really off, let me know. I think I've fixed it, but this is acting a lot like fanfiction.net with the 'Let's fuck with the formatting.'
"That little fucker is going to kill somebody one of these days."
Drowsy and abominably bored, Xu licked her thumb and flipped through the pages of the latest issue of Weapons Monthly. She had her eye on an upgrade for her piece, a cute little nine millimeter she nicknamed Carbuncle, but all the parts she needed were too expensive for her measly paycheck. It was nice to dream, but poor Carbuncle would have to wait for that fancy new handgrip until she got a raise or a job as a gun-toting callgirl.
She yawned and stretched, resting her feet on the long table separating the parallel rows of seats. “Q? You listenin’ to me?”
Quistis didn't answer. All her attention was on her students and the potentially deadly exam they were currently completing.
Bored, bored, bored.
Hot as hell too. Could Garden not invest some gil into a decent air-conditioning system?
It might not have been so bad if they weren't stuck on a boat, for crying out loud, but they were and Xu was bored.
Bored on a boat.
Bored on a big boat.
Bored on a big boat with a blonde bombshell.
She chuckled at her miserable situation. It wasn't like there was a whole lot else to do except butcher alliteration and read magazines. Quistis sure as hell wasn't going to alleviate her boredom anytime soon. With the students gone on their final exam and nothing to do but wait for them to finish, Xu decided to waste some time perusing the hot guns and even hotter women spread from cover to cover of the famous weapons periodical. Quistis had always sniffed her nose at her best friend’s favorite magazine, calling it sexist garbage that appealed to the baser instincts of men and turned them into nothing more than grunting pigs, but Xu disagreed. She simply didn’t see the problem with centerfolds of leggy blondes sitting astride the gun-barrels of tanks, once going so far as to semi-jokingly suggest that Quistis would sell a lot of magazines if she would model the latest chain whip in a string bikini. It seemed like a brilliant idea to Xu, who was willing to spend any amount of gil if it meant she could see her lovely room-mate in a pink thong.
Not that she would ever tell her that, of course.
Besides, if Quistis wanted to find sexist garbage, then she needed to read the sticky pages of Girl Next Door. At least there was a partial chance that any lubricating oils mentioned in the pages of Weapons Monthly would be the mechanical kind. Xu shuddered to think of the weapons upgrades she might find in that particular publication.
Bored, bored, bored.
Stuck on a boat and bored out of her mind with a nervous teacher.
A very pretty nervous teacher.
If Quistis would have stopped her damned pacing, Xu thought she might be able to concentrate on her magazine. When Quistis was nervous, she paced. And when Quistis paced, Xu discovered that her skirt had a vexingly attractive way of displaying the lean muscles in her thighs.
Legs that long didn’t belong on teachers…
And they certainly didn’t belong on really hot eighteen-year old teachers…
Really hot eighteen-year old teachers that knew thirty ways to kill a man with nothing more than a strip of leather…
Oh holy hell.
Why did she have to be so nervous? Why couldn’t she sit down and be patient? Those idiot students of hers would be fine, so why did she have to scissor past Xu over and over again with those calves that just had to be sculpted from Trabian marble?
She shook her head and tried to stop imagining those calves resting on her shoulders while she whispered prayers to the sacred altar of the Trepies. After all, hadn't she once read in the crackling pages of an ancient tome that a limber tongue and eager lips were sure to please golden-haired goddesses? Hadn't there also been something written in that book of wisdom about a technique that was rumored to make Shiva herself shiver in mind-numbing ecstasy?
No, no. It wasn't an ancient tome. It was an from an old copy of Lunatic Pandora: Seventeen Sensual Tales of Sorceress Erotica she stole from...er, happened across in Dr. Kadowaki's desk drawer. Xu had been bored back then too, waiting for Quistis to finish her card game with the good doctor, and pilfering through the unattended desk was just too tempting. Oh, the things they could have tried in their tiny dorm if only Quistis hadn't been so snooty about her reading materials...
Magazine. Yes. She was supposed to be reading a weapons magazine, not lusting after her best friend. Though she was making valiant effort after valiant effort, it was difficult to concentrate when everything reminded her of Quistis. The nearly silent brush of the water on the ship's hull echoed the soft voice of her best friend gently chiding her over and again over some trivial matter. It became a familiar hushed roar that hid the promise of violence and death should her will be denied. Xu smiled. Q was kind of cute that way, all pretty glittering waves that lured hapless sailors into her depths. And as Xu was well fucking aware, Quistis could either be merciful, as she was to the Trepies, allowing them to swim for the shore to idolize her in safety, or she could be heartless and drown poor sailors in her shining blue depths. Xu wondered if she should have just saved some time and worn an anchor around her ankle. It would have been a hell of a lot faster.
Determined to forget that the object of her desires was less than four feet from her and smelling way too much like summer strawberries to be good for anyone's sanity, Xu forced her dark eyes to follow the words in front of her.
Ah ha! New weapons reviews! What better way to forget about the woman of her rather kinky dreams than by reading about polymer-tipped bullets and fiberglass scopes?
Supple and flexible, the Scorpion has the advantage of bending into any position, ready to unleash a furious barrage of lashes on sensitive flesh, especially when oiled down with our patented…
Eeep! Xu quickly turned the page.
The newest model of the Exeter rifle series is a sight to behold, but seeing isn’t the same as holding her in your arms and feeling her kick when you lay your finger on her trigger…
Finger? Trigger?! Eeep again! Maybe Quistis was right all along...
This Sunday only! Weapons demonstrations at all booths and 'weapons' demonstrations in the mud-wrestling tank! Come to the Timber Arena to see these buxom babes in action as they show that they really know how to pump their shotguns…
Oh come on! That last one just wasn’t fair at all!
Quistis suddenly sighed and tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. Xu looked up at the soft sound, gulping loudly when she saw the thin rivulet of sweat trickling down her throat into her unbuttoned collar. When the hell had she decided to unbutton her shirt?! Granted, it was only a couple of buttons, but it was enough for Xu’s active and very sex-deprived imagination to think of all sorts of paths that lucky drop of sweat might be traveling. She would have given up an entire year’s worth of wages to trace the same route with her tongue.
The gods were testing her. Yes, that had to be it. Being stuck on board a transport vessel with an incredibly beautiful blonde that somehow managed to make those ghastly SeeD uniforms sexy as hell was a divine test. She was firmly convinced that she was being punished for some grievous sin committed in a past life. It had to be very bad indeed for her to be punished in such a manner. Clearing her throat and trying to remember what had them trapped on that damned boat in the first place, she muttered, “Er, it’s just a matter of time before he flips out…“
Quistis adjusted her glasses and bent low over the screen that displayed the position of the various squads storming the beaches of Dollet. She was worried about her students and it was way too hot to listen to another of Xu’s wild theories on gun polish and bikini wax. Watching the blinking red dot on the screen, satisfied that Seifer was leading his squad in the right direction, she removed the stiff uniform jacket and tossed it on one of the empty seats behind her. It wasn‘t like anyone was around to pay attention, so she thought it would be safe to slack off just a bit. Xu had been her roommate and best friend since she enrolled at Garden, so she knew that she wouldn‘t tattle on her for cheating on the dress code. Blissfully free of the heavy fabric, she released a heavy breath and fixed Xu with a tired glare. “Look, I don’t have time to argue with you about that magazine again and it’s miserably hot in here, so…”
Xu nearly fell out of the narrow seat when Quistis turned to speak to her.
Holy Shiva riding a chocobo bareback! She was wearing a black bra under that white blouse! How long had prim, prudish Quistis had lingerie like that?! Oh, the gods either really loved her or really, really hated her to put those tits in that bra.
Failing to notice that Xu was lost somewhere at the intersection of Black Lace and Cleavage, Quistis impatiently snapped her fingers and waited for her dazed friend to respond. “Xu! Stop with that stupid magazine and pay attention to me!”
She wasn‘t drooling yet, but if her jaws became any slacker, Xu knew that she would soon have another puddle to worry about when it came time to do her laundry. She always had liked it when Quistis showed her bossy side. “But I am paying attention to your... I mean, to you!”
Quistis raised an eyebrow at this and tried to determine if the sweltering temperature in the vessel might be having a few adverse effects on her friend. “What?”
Oh shit. She was onto her!
“Er, I was just…um. You know, heat and sweat and umm…“ Oh well. Too late now. Xu swallowed hard and decided that it was long past time Quistis realized she had a major crush on her. “…how long have you had that bra?!”
“How long have I had…? What the hell are you talking about?!”
Ooh. Maybe she wasn‘t onto her. Time for panicked plan B. “Er…What are you talking about?“
“I was talking about your inability to focus on the topic at hand without…”
It wasn't a topic Xu wanted in her hands, that was for damn sure. Eager to talk about anything that would stop her mind from obsessing over those satin-clad breasts, Xu stuttered, “I uh, was uh, just saying that Almasy is going to go ape-shit one day and kill someone. Yeah. That‘s it.”
Relieved that Xu didn‘t seem to be suffering from heatstroke, as her odd behavior previously suggested, Quistis smiled and calmly replied, “Well Xu, that‘s what I‘ve taught him to do, so I don‘t see the problem. You see, at a military institution such as Balamb Garden, it‘s understandable that one might have doubts about…”
Whew! Crisis averted and Quistis was still as hot as ever. As she detailed the history of Balamb Garden, Xu wondered if the dumb broad had any clue that she was the sexiest beast alive when she got all pensive and thinky. That slim finger she was tapping on her lower lip as she thought of what she should say next? Fucking hot. If she did that in all of her classes, it was no surprise that she had an army of horny stalkers leaving desperate love notes on the school message board. It was quite a chore to filter through those notes every day, deleting the more graphic ones so her darling roomie would never learn just how many of her students wanted to tie her to her desk with her whip, but it was well worth the time. She'd be damned before she'd let Quistis know what her students really thought of her.
After all, Xu had that idea long before anyone else. If anyone was going to have the gorgeous Instructor Trepe sweating and groaning on top of a desk blotter, then it was going to be her, damn it! “You know what I mean. He‘s the kind of prick that goes nuts and starts bombing schools and post offices just because he likes fireworks.”
“Yes, yes, I know.”
“He’s an asshole that uh..." Oh, she was pacing again and every tired step made Xu's pupils jiggle along in hopelessly mesmerized harmony. "...has really nice tits.”
Lost in another rant about her students, Quistis failed to notice that Xu's knuckles were turning white from the tight grip on her magazine. “Yes, he works out, but I believe pecs was the word you meant to use, Xu."
Pecs? What the hell was she jabbering about? She had no interest in Almasy's pecs or his lats or any other anatomical parts that could be abbreviated with four letters or less. "Er, yeah. I meant his pecs..."
"He is rather headstrong, but if he would learn to temper his impulsive nature, I think he has the potential to become...ugh. It's so hot I can't even care about him right now."
"Uh yeah. Really, really hot. Insanely hot." Holy Hyne, her blouse was sticking to her perfectly flat, perfectly toned, perfectly sexy belly. Xu groaned. No, she couldn't have been locked on the transport boat with that hairy gorilla that managed the training center. That would have been tolerable. He would have sent the students on their way and snored until the exam was over. No, the gods hated her and insisted that she be stuck with Quistis Trepe, she of the thousand daily abdominal crunches and the legs that went to her chin. She fanned herself with the magazine and asked, "Look, why don't you sit down and stop pacing?"
"Mmm...that looks wonderful, Xu. Fan me too?"
"What?!" It wasn't really a question, more of a squeaked panic response. Having never squeaked before in her life, Xu meant to be ashamed of herself, but as her squeaks seemed to amuse Quistis, she decided that shame was over-rated. Besides, she didn't have time to be ashamed while Quistis was giggling and trying to playfully snatch the magazine from her hands.
"Come on! Give me that magazine!"
"No! You hate this magazine!"
"Yes, I do hate it."
"Then why the hell do you want it?!"
"I don't want to read it! I just want to fan myself!"
"You have enough fans already! Hands off!"
"Hell no! It's trash, remember?"
"I don't care! I'm hot!"
"I'll say you are!"
Quistis looked at her sweating friend in total confusion. "You've never 'eeeped' before in your life! What the hell is wrong with you today? Are you high?"
"Er..." Oh, Quistis wasn't being fair. She hadn't touched those gysahl greens. At least not for a week or two. Stupid random drug tests...
"Did you just call me hot?"
"So you're saying I'm not?"
"Eeeeep!" What to do?! It was either tell Quistis that she considered her the most beautiful woman she had ever met, or offend her and end up with that fancy whip tied around her throat. Not that she had a problem with that, necessarily, but she did want to be able to remember it later. Being throttled into unconsciousness wasn't exactly the kinky whip scenario she had always envisioned. For one thing, there had been dinner first.
Xu knew that she could have tried to be romantic, telling Quistis that even the stars envied the brilliance of her eyes and the moon was mad with desire for her; she knew that she could have even tried to do some smooth pornography-inspired seduction techniques and tell Quistis that she'd like to throw her on the floor and make her moan like a two-gil whore.
But damn it all, it was too fucking hot and she was way too horny to be either romantic or smooth. "I was uh, just saying..."
"Yes?" Concerned that Xu might be descending into heat-induced delirium, Quistis cupped Xu's cheeks and looked deeply into her eyes. "Are you feeling okay? Is the heat getting to you? Do you need to loosen your uniform?"
"You're flushed. I think you should remove your jacket and open your collar a bit."
Xu yelped when Quistis' long fingers found the fabric of her uniform and began tugging at the fastenings. She felt as if she could dance and sing, for the gods loved her and wanted her to be happy!
"Um, now that you mention it, you look a little flushed yourself. Why don't you, um..."
Quistis tilted her head and waited for Xu to continue. She wasn't going to admit it, but the rose tint on her cheeks had nothing to do with the heat. It was awfully boring being stuck on that boat with nothing to do but worry. "Why don't I what?"
"Well, since it is just you and me, why don't you take off that..."
"Instructor! You're never going to believe what I found on the...fucking hell! Ouch!" A loud crash and a series of curses interrupted Xu before she could suggest that they both shed their clothes and try to see which of them tasted sweetest. Both leapt back from each other as Seifer tumbled into the vessel and began babbling about Galbadians and satellites.
Xu groaned. Her earlier suspicion was correct. The gods hated her and wanted her to suffer.
Covered in dust and reeking of gunpowder and blood, he failed to notice that a seething Xu was reaching for her beloved handgun while Quistis struggled to contain her suddenly murderous friend.
"Quis-I mean, Instructor! I found the most amazing goddamned thing! We need to tell the headmaster that the Galbadians are trying to..." Seifer noticed the slightly disheveled lines of Quistis' uniform, then noticed the same thing that had earlier made Xu consider religion. "Um, Instructor? Have you always had that bra? I'd have paid more attention if I knew you were going to be bringing those guns to class."
Xu was on him before student or instructor had time to react. Never mind that she had thought similar thoughts just ten minutes beforehand, Xu meant to tear his head from his shoulders.
Or just kill him.
Quistis covered her face as Xu and Seifer each tried to throttle one another. She had been in enough trouble with the faculty for those damned Trepies and the graffiti all over campus, but having one of her own students beat an exam proctor (and her wonderful best friend, she hastened to add) to death? Yep. There went her job.
Then again, Xu had his head wedged between her knees, so Quistis wasn't too worried just yet.
Though Xu wasn't half bad, Seifer wished that it had been Quistis to try to throttle him with her thighs. That death would have made him a legend indeed. He tried again to hit Xu on the back of the skull with the flat of his gunblade, but the tough little bitch was quickly making him lose consciousness.
Even locked as they were in fierce combat, they both stopped fighting when they felt the first shudder pass through the steel floor of the vessel. Glaring at each other, they silently agreed to a truce long enough to see what the hell was going on topside.
Already peering through a tiny porthole, Quistis gestured to a cloud of dust quickly approaching the coastline. Xu and Seifer squished her between them as they filled the small space in order to see what she had discovered in the rapidly-decreasing distance.
Xu squinted and turned slightly to ask, "Quistis? Are those your students?"
"Appears to be them."
"And is that a giant spider?"
Seifer grinned and winked at his adversary. "Hey! Whaddya know? It's the spider that made those cobwebs between your legs! He is a big one, ain't he?"
Snarling something about her license and bad jokes, Quistis pushed them away from each other before they could begin another brawl. Fleeing the tight confines of the cabin, she bolted the narrow stairs to the machine gun mounted on the ship. Seifer and Xu both watched as she ascended the narrow steps, one looking at her ass and the other admiring her legs. Glancing sidelong at each other, they simultaneously tried to take the steps, but found themselves jammed at the top with just enough room to spy Quistis swinging the heavy assault gun into position.
Xu gulped loudly when she saw her manning that gun, her perfect legs spread for balance and those electric eyes of hers focused on the shoreline. She would have been content to spend the rest of the afternoon watching Quistis demolish that hulking robotic monstrosity, but the captain of the vessel was pulling away from the shoreline even as the rest of Seifer's squad fell into the closing hatch.
Students safely aboard, Quistis turned to make sure that they still had all of their most valuable appendages. A few lost fingers wouldn't go against her, but she was fairly sure that a missing arm wouldn't look good on her employee review.
Seifer and Xu both gaped at her as she calmly adjusted her glasses and smoothed her hair.
"What the hell do you want?"
Seifer jerked his head toward Quistis and grinned. "That was the hottest thing I've ever seen. Can't you picture her doing that on a magazine cover? But in a fucking bikini?!"
"You're a bastard, Almasy. An utter bastard." Xu tried to contain herself, but she couldn't help returning his cocky grin. "But I have to admit, I like your taste."